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  2003.10.06  11.57

*i kno i should have posted earlier, and i thought i did but here are the events of my birthday as best i can remember them

for a month or so my friends Rico, Amy, Dan, Petey and random other cheese kids have been planning to see string cheese at hornings hideout which is this totally bad ass private park with a huge ampatheatre, a giant lake and about 10 areas for camping. i didnt get to go on fryday when it started cuz it was $140 and my truck had just gotten towed so i didnt have the money. i think i went to a friends place and drank beer sitting in the tubby. i went on saturday with my friend petey who also didnt have enough money for all three days. we got to hornings (which is about 40 minutes outside of portland) at about 6 saturday night and had to find our friends in a sea of hippies. holy shit i have never seen more dreadlocks in my life!
they estimated about 3500 people their by saturday. well some of my friends were not looking to happy but everyone else was having a blast. we went to see the show but only after my friend (and sista) amy pulled our friend turtle aside to try and talk to him. he was so spun out of his mind and amys tryin to tell him that she saw cameras in the showers and that something metal came out of her body. i kno, it doesnt make any sense but that really tripped him out. we finally made it to the show and down to the pit to dance and meet up with everyone. Dan told me to lick my finger and take some molly so i did, a couple times. then a bit later he told me to open my mouthm so i did and chewed up some mushrooms. ummmmmm!!! the show was so crazy cool tho! cheese took a break and by the time they came back the whole dancing area was cleared and it was dark out. then they started to play again and people came into the pit area with costumes and glitter and looking all crazy. at one point their was a GIANT paper machee (i think it was anyways) hippie sacajawea looking thing that danced around and then all these people started dancing out of her stomache. then the elk looking people with horns on their head came out and lit this platform on fire in a giant star and were dancing with fire sticks. then the really crazy shit happened...they let everyone down to dance and its all dark and i kid you not, about 3,000 mini glowsticks go flying thru the air in all directions for the next 30 minutes. it turns out someone brought a bunch of them and thought it would be funny to throw them around, and then they would land in front of the hippies and they dont like them so they would pick them up and throw them. i was trippin so hard, its was awsome. i dont really remember what we did later that night. all that comes to mind was at about 5 in the morning when this kid jason from wisonson and i went to the rv park in search of the michael jackson disco dance party. we didnt get back to the camp site until close to seven, unsuccessful in our journey. however, on the way back we found my friend wink and this girl ashley trying to sleep in between cars. we were talkin to them for a minute and this guy that was in one of the cars almost puked on us, so we got up and left. theirs a big barn and their was about 10 people in it, all spun watching yellow submarine. i think thats all there was to saturday night. sunday was my actual birthday and i really dont remember much of that. i kno that i drove into town to get oj to make more screwdrivers(we alreayd drank all the slutty marys), and 7 cases of beer. im still amazed that we didnt need any food. hmm, oh well. i kno that after the show we got fucking drunk! at one point the sheriff showed up at the show and told the band that they have to keep it down, so they did, then everyone came to the camp right across from ours where there was another bad ass band set up. we rocked it all night long. someone introduced me to bob hornings, the owner of the venue. he took me for a ride on his golf cart for 45 minutes. that was so fun, i think he was drunk tho, he was speeding all over almost hitting all the drunk hippies. we talked for a little while, i think he was tryin to hit on my but i was so trashed i wouldnt let him hardly talk. somehow later in the night i made it with a friend to the dj camp where i spent a while dancing, drinking more beer and ate a 7 layer enchalada. i dont quite kno where that was. it must have been about 4 in the morning at that point and all my friends wanted to pass out, so i told them all i loved them but that they were being fuckin pussies and that they should wake up and rage with me. they wouldnt. i decided to go off and make my own friends to rage with and met these kids sitting on the side of the road getting drunk, i started to talk to them, told em it was my birthday and then they handed me a half gallon of whiskey and told me to schwill for a while. that was a really fun but fucked up night. i ran out of cigarettes and was left tradin a joke for a smoke, but i would usually just get a cigarette. i even met another member of the fuckawe tribe. in the morning we drank the rest of the beer and smoked weed out of a mushroom that rico had been saving. that smoked good but made me finally puke.
fun weekend, right?

Mood: lazy
smoke weed

  2003.09.19  18.18
all apologies

*i cant even begin to try and explain some of the things ive been doing over the summer
i went to wyoming, just because
ive been doing som pretty hardcore partyin
i met a lot of new kids, thier mainly cheese kids who, by the way...ROCK
i went to hornings hideout to see the string cheese incident on my birthday and i swear to fuckin god i have never had a better time in my life!!!
i got so spun and met so so SO many people
im goin to see the dead on sunday at the gorge, i cant wait for that

THE SADDEST THING EVER happened a couple weeks ago
my baby girl, my precious, my black baby girl chika is no longer our wonderful family dog
my dad, sister, cj and a friend of mine went to my grandparents cabin and were having a good time
i was sitting on the deck listening to my dad play some dead songs while i was drinking a beer and i looked over and noticed that the rope chika was tied to wasnt moving anymore
i ran over to the edge of the balcony and all i could see was a rustle in the bushes and she was gone
it took security 2 hours to find her
my heart fell down that cliff with chika
i think thats why ive been hating everyone and not spending time with my friends in vancouver
im sorry guys but i dont even know what to do half the time
i miss everyone...i really do
just understand that if im distant and sort of flakey that theirs a lot more than just the loss of my best friend going on*

Mood: melancholy
1 bong hit| smoke weed

  2003.06.20  10.49
the crazy weekends of jessy

*ok, first of all...i havent updated in a long ass time
when i look back i see how much has happened in the last couple weeks
3 weeks ago nick, greg, mike, john price, and megan and i all go to school together
we decided it was time for the first camping trip of the year
i called cj and told him that he needed to come up seeing as it was his birthday on saturday and we were leaving fryday, so him and erick and stacy and this one bitch came, after making us wait for fucking ever trying to convince erick to come
but we went to this spot that i knew of but there was a gate
i got stung by a wasp for the first time in my life, it didnt hurt as bad as i thought it would, cj told me to put tobacco and spit on it and it made all the pain go away
we found a spot where there will be houses someday and set up camp
we were drinking, smoking, and making smores, it was bad ass
erick wanted to go to the tent and have sex at about 10:30 but i wouldnt let him
come on, it was cjs birthday at midnight and he should fuckin help him celebrate
so they stayed up and hung out, barely
at midnight we decided to make cj shotgun 6 beers in one minute, which he did since hes a champ
then he fucked that one bitch for a couple hours and they left before we woke up
nick, greg, john and i decided to stay saturday and keep partyin, so we did
we went up some logging roads and got amazing views from the top of a mountain, it was great
on the way back to the spot greg was car surfin, he was laying on top of the car going "WOOOOO-WOOOOOOO!!!!!" so i sat out the window and rode in the wind with him
we got back to the spot and chicks with guns came to the other spot
greg went thru the bushes and found them
they let us shoot guns too, i shot a 28, a double barrelled shotgun and a 32, i think
they stayed to drink with us and this one lady, norma got really fucked up and tried to kiss nick, haha! she was like, 42!!!
well she ended up with nick, but not the one we came with, the dike chick that had the guns
they couldnt get out tha spot so we had to push their truck out, hmmm
well we went home the next day, god damn i was so dirty!

then next weekend nick, greg, me, pete, rico, amy, fish, james and nate (the other people go to the culinary institute) we all went to the beach
well, we couldnt find a camping spot in the campground so we decided to drink on the beach and stay awake until the sun came up because by then it would be day and it would be legal for us to be in the day use area
well, we got a lot of beer, rico and i took some zanaflex and smoked a lot of weed
we made a fire and a makeshift couch
the sand glittered when we walked, it was so amazing!!!
well, i went for my own walk and lost my left sandal on the way, i was searching for it all drunk and almost went to the wrong fire
more shit happened and i went to pass out next to fish and james on the couch and thats all i remember
i woke up in the morning sitting up against a log with a grey wool blanket wrapped around me, my grey hoodie over my head, hair down, and one sandal on my foot
i stood up and didnt see an damn person on the beach
i was walking around yelling "you guys!! you can come out now!!! THIS ISNT FUCKING FUNNY ANYMORE!!!!"
what happened was rico woke up when the sun came up and fed everyone (but me since i was no where to be found) some mushrooms, he then took his shirt off and layed on a blanket in the sand on his stomach
a ranger walked up and asked him what the fuck he was doing
"im getting a tan"
well, greg finally found me and we walked to the cars
i ate about a quarter and things were good from then on out
but fish was missing
after that, i dont even want to get into it

last saturday nick, greg, mike, amy, pete, rico, humbolt and james and i went to james' parents cabin kinda by eugene for a night of fun
it was gregs 20th birthday so it had to be special
it was a really nice cabin with 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, kitchen, couches, nice ass deck, a trampoline and a hammock
and the grandparents cabin wasnt that wasnt far away had a hot tub...
well, we started drinkin and i became petes partner in crime
we had a ton of fat tire and budweiser and a pile of weed on the counter plus a bottle of kahlua that amy and i drank most of and a 5th of makers mark and someone who shall remain un-named but didnt come up with us was smokin crank we think, bad bad bad
i brought a video camera so we had a good ol 'that 70's show' smoke circle, haha, that was great!
well, we went to the hot tub and greg got in way before it was hot, but he didnt seem to mind
at 12 we went 4 wheelin in the old school jeep renegade, 7 of us went
then back to the hot tub
pete and i were sittin in it till we decided to go to the other cabin to get more beer
we were walkin on what we thought was the trail until we got to the fence
theres a hole in it but we couldnt find it, i guess i tried to go thru it and wiped out really bad, i have GIANT bruise on the inside of my right thigh and i think thats why
well, we made it back to the cabin and pete and i split a chocolate mushroom teddy bear then we split some more caps and spores
thats when all the fun started
amy and i were jumping on the trampoline, i fell off...not in midair tho luckily
the carpet their was so cool too!
it was yellow, blu, green and red thin stripes that were really bright and looked like they popped out of the 60's
i layed on them and swam for a little while
greg got dredlocks, he found a fringe blanket and put it around his head and was like, "i have dreds to ya fuckin hippies!" (rico and pete have dreds) so hilarious
nick grabbed his sleeping bag and slept on the deck and wouldnt get up even when amy and i were trying to convince him to come in the bedroom with us
so much else happened that would make no sense to anyone that wasnt their, if this made sense at all and now...

Mood: anxious
3 bong hits| smoke weed

  2003.05.22  21.06

*wow, its been a very long time since ive written, yet not much has managed to happen
ive been very busy with school and have only had time for a select few friends, although i try to make it to everyone
i went to a bad ass show on saturday, nihilist, their an awsome band, i love those guys
i took a couple friends from school with me, afterwards we all went to toms to get trashed, it was a good nite until the toilet overflowed, yucky
on sunday andre, tom, nichole and i were hanging out and watching movies when the bright idea to do some esctasy
we snorted it becuase the pills were so hard pressed and we didnt want to wait 2 hours seeing as it was already about 11
our noses ached and we laughed and waited for it to kick in, which it fuckin didnt!
we were so pissed, then we just fell asleep
i caught andre jackin off
i did eat some muchrooms last nite, first time since november, i didnt really fry since i only had a couple caps that matt gave me, but i still felt it and i still really really want to eat them again
my friends were so fucked up, it was really funny
and now im just here, waiting for this 20 minutes to fly by so i can leave this institution and go eat spaghetti at my home in my comfy bed with my sweet animals*

Mood: hungry
1 bong hit| smoke weed

  2003.05.01  21.07

*right now im in my computor graphics class
its interesting, im almost done with my project but im spent tonite
doroukan is this cool kid from turkey, he wants me to come over and smoke after class...i think i might
im glad its almost fryday, even thou i have an 8 in the morning class im still lookin foreward to it, and monday is cinco de mayo
does anyone remember a couple years ago when i had the cinco de mayo/moms out of town and i want to throw a party party?
that was a crazy night
hopefully something like that will happen this year
corona, tequilla and bud...mmm
i dont like this keyboard, im in a mac lab and the keyboards are sticky...yuk
well, im lookin foreward to my intro to video class, theres this guy named erick that is really cool, hes a dj, had an afro, was sent away like me, and likes to smoke, hes an awsome guy
but i dont want to jinx any chance that i might have by talkin about it
but we had a great time last week, he waited for me after class, we went to his place, he showed me some of his werk, we smoked, we talked about anything, then we were walkin to my truck and these people asked us if we were hungry, we high...duh, so we took a lunch and went to the park to eat and talk more, we went back to his place to smoke and talk more then i went home
i got his number and gave him a call when i said i would but i dont think he has long distance, but thats cool, i'll see him tomorrow
damn, still 15 more minutes in this class
fuckin shit
and i cant open photoshop to play
well, i hope someone wants to invite me to hang out this weekend, (mike/adam) or i will be forced to go thru my fone and call anyone and everyone*

Mood: creative
smoke weed

  2003.04.24  16.08

*i dont think anyone reads this fuckin thing anymore, i dont even kno if people read it in the first place
i never get comments, i think im on peoples friends lists cuz their to lazy to take me off
i kno i dont update that much, i have a lot of shit goin on
i now have class 4 days a week instead of three

3 bong hits| smoke weed

  2003.03.18  16.01

*wow...i havent updated for a long ass time
i havent been doing to much lately but ive been real busy, and hungry
im still in school, i have one week left
ive been partyin a lot, well...not a lot, but more than i prolly should
i went to a crazy ass party last weekend and the weekend before
two weeks ago was rubens party which was fuckin nuts, i think everyone was blasted trashed out of their minds
i was dancing, shakin that ass i got
saw no one but friends which made me really happy
last weekend i hung out with my friends nick and greg, two guys i go to school with
fryday we drank on gregs balcony
i was headed home and my truck started loosing power
no good
i got it fixed tho
saturday i went to the peace march that was in portland
i got some really good shots, i did unload 2 1/2 rolls of film tho
nick and greg came up to the couve to party with me
we drank a 5th of morgans down at low river road
greg backed into a huge rock and laffs were had by all
then nichole called so we were on our way
we ended up going to a kegger after much hesitation
we met some really cool people
kevin was their, we talked and luckily hes not mad at me
that made my night go even better
about 2 or so the 5 of us headed back to andrea and nicholes for a slumber party of sorts
nick and i had to sleep on the most uncomfortable pull out couch
but it was all good
we kissed
oh how happy that made me
but i shall go now*

Mood: hungry
smoke weed

  2003.02.23  18.35
fuck the police

*this has been one of the longest weeks of my life
its had its good points and its bad ones
i got my digital media mid term and got a 92 on it
hell yea, go me!!!
i talked to ryan today, its so nice to talk to him, hes so sweet
but this fryday was horriable beyond belief
i started out at my friend kevins house drinking and playing hockey
i left once or twice to stop by my friend shannon and chris' apartment
their moving to nevada this saturday which sux cuz shannon and i are relly good friends and im really going to miss her, and chris
i had a lot of fun over their, talking to people and since their both chefs, eating some really good food
i went back to kevins and since pretty much everyone was gone, kevin, myself and this other boy joe went to my friends house who was having a party
we showed up and i started talkin to all my friends when i hear yelling in the hallway
the portland street punx were beating the shit out of my friend kevin
i got punched in the head a couple times tryin to break it up but they wouldnt
they all went outside and kept fighting
still, i got hit tryin to break it up
rubin took kevin home, thank god, but joe dissappeared
oh well
this kid aaron punched out a window and leaked blood EVERYWHERE
basically it was a night from hell
i got home about 4, then the cops came to my house at about 6 that morning
that sucked
then kevin and marcus came over about 9:30 to ask me questions
kevins face is so fucked up, i fell really bad
im gunna have to go to court to testify which is bullshit
when i was talkin to the cop, just so everyone knows, he didnt get a single name that would matter
i didnt rat anyone out, if anything i made officer neils feel like a cocky bastard, which he was
fuck the police
saturday night was a little better
andrea, nichole, vanna, charlie, my friend patrick and i were going to go to the rocky horror picture show
patrick his friend elanor and i went but the girls never showed up
that was pretty interesting
i got home about three or so this morning and then had to be in portland at 9am
i made it their about 10, but my group hadnt started shooting yet so it was all good
now its 6:45 and all ive done since i got home was watch boondock saints(fucking amazing movie) and my big fat greek wedding and draw
i love salvidor dali, hes awsome
i painted a couple pictures that he did, the mermaid, shes all in black rubber and pink ribbons, hot picture
i hope this week goes better than the last one

oOo...luckysnorkel, fuck you, i wasnt whining, i was venting, you dont kno me or what i go thru, so unless you have anything witty to tell me, dont bother tryin

that is all*

Mood: restless
smoke weed

  2003.02.18  12.49

*i havent written in a while
i had a man
i had a really wonderful, funny, exciting, sexy man
unfortunatly, he, like every other man im attracted to, is to fucked up in the head to be with me, or anyone

ryan and i spent about a month together
we partied a lot, we drank, yelled, slept together, and didnt have that much sex
he was pretty much everything that i needed in my life at this point, someone that seemed to care
i didnt pressure him to do anything, take me anywhere or buy me anything
i didnt say i love you or were gunna be together forever, if the word forever came up then im sorry and was probibly drunk
i just told him how wonderful he is and how happy he made me
and he did
i thought he felt the same way
he would say the sweetest things to me
"youre someone i could fall in love with"
"i think im falling for you"
blah blah fuckin blah
my whole goal in the relationship was to make him see what i saw, i beautiful man that needs a little self confidence but is one of the most amazing people that i have ever met
he really is
but he needs time
i dont kno if its time to sort things out or time to be alone
i dont think we will get back together but i would love it if we did
people have been telling me that he doesnt deserve me but i can not agree, everyone deserves someone
he didnt beat me, didnt belittle me, didnt make me feel like an ass, and i tried to give him that in return
hes someone that i really cared about and will contenue to care for
im glad that he doesnt hate me like his other ex's, and i dont hate him like my others either
were still friends, but i dont kno if i can be his friend without thinking about how much i care for him
i wanted him to be the right person right now, i didnt want it to last forever, but i did want to be with him for longer, get to kno him better, see things how he sees them
i guess this teaches me that i really cant trust anyone
thats where i went wrong, i tried not to let my heart guide me, but it did
it was nice to be with someone that i could be myself around, i didnt have to act fake or put on a front, i thought he liked me for who i am
what is so repulsive about me that draws guys in but doesnt make them want to stay?
i guess from now on i wont tell guys how i feel, or that they make me happy, or even that i like holding them at night
i will tell them they are scum, that i cant stand being around them and that they are disgusting
i dont want to but maybe if i try the opposite, it could go right next time
well ryan, i dont think you will read this, but diego might
i care about you wether were together or not
im still here if you want someone to talk to or someone to hold when youre depressed
im glad youre my friend*

Mood: lonely
2 bong hits| smoke weed

  2003.01.15  14.17
off my chest, into your heart

*well christmas and new years just seemed to fly by
its already the 15th and im almost thru my ferst week of school
i think im really going to like it and i think i can really learn a lot from all of it
my digital media teach is really cool, were gunna be doin some fun stuff this quarter
i met a cute boy too
he took me out to dinner and i showed him around portland since hes from north cali
he was really nice
its good to get my mind on something besides how much i hate the people around me
i thought things would turn out alright but when i get that little ray of sunshine and then the clouds set in and rain on my parade...i want to kill someone
ive also been wondering about death
not that i want to kill myself ive just been wondering where we go
a land in the sky where we float on clouds?
yea fuckin right
and for those suicides...do they go to hell?
that would be kinda unfair, the people that have been total pigs like the murders, serial killers and rapists should burn in hell (if their is one) eternally, not the sad sorry little emo punk that decided no one loves him
my thoughts dont make sense but if you really knew me then they would
thats another thing i have been thinking a lot about
not one single person on this planet outside of my family knows me
no one has ever really taken the time
sure i talk to people and have friends, but no one could guess what i think
not even me half the time
and when i do talk i get all mumbled and dont make any sense
i think everyone should get to kno me
im half insane and half passive
i am that beligerent drunk at the party that everyone feels bad for, only no one knows its me
they say you get honest when youre drunk
some people tend to close up when they drink
thats me
you could sit and talk shit to me when im drinkin and most of the time i will just sit their wondering if i should dump my beer on you but then decide against the idea cuz if i did that i would loose something
a friendship, a hook-up, even just a place to chill
and most people are in the last 2 catagories
besides a very VERY select few people i hate everyone
and the people who think they are one of tose few probiably arent
i kno who i want to be around and when people do something for the soul reason of pissing me off, or do something because they know it will hurt me wether its directly to me or thru other people, and you should know who you are, i dont want to be your friend
ive told you i love you but sometimes i cant stand you, and until you grow the fuck up im sorry but i'll see you when that time comes
i have so much to write about but if i make it one really long one no one will prolly read it so i'll write another one*

Mood: contemplative
smoke weed

  2002.12.21  02.26

*i havent updated in a while
i havent really had time
im getting ready to start school at the art institute in about three weeks
i really cant wait but im scared at the same time

holy shit its almost christmas...fuck
ive been taking care of my sister a lot lately
her and erin have been doing some stupid shit
erin fuck one of my best friends and nothing but bad shit has been happening lately
cj hit the fire hydrant in front of my street and flooded lincoln for about 5 blocks
that was interesting
i went camping at the beach and ate some shrooms with cj and kelso and tidal wave took our tent out at 8 in the morning

im also dealing with a close friend and his family
his mom is in the hospital and it doesnt look to good
we all really miss her
im on her computor now
we love you ann, thank you for letting me be a part of your family, i will never forget you

well...merry christmas*

Mood: confused
1 bong hit| smoke weed

  2002.10.24  01.43
what is love, really?

*my life is full of love
love for life
love for family
love for friends
and love for some other things that really arent that good for me
with all this love that i have it really makes me wonder if i will ever, not have love, but be in love
its something that i am missing and something that i passionatly want
i want to be able to have someone there for me
someone encouraging me
someone who would really care
i dont want to say that my friends dont care about me
you all do
i want someone who would do anything for me
i know thats every girls dream and if you really know me you would know that i am not you typical girl
i just think its time that i have a man in my life
someone to take care of me when im sick and call worried when i havent returned their fone calls in a couple days
i just havent met any guys that fit that
i havent met any guys that dont completly annoy me
i dont know what to do with my self*

Mood: confused
1 bong hit| smoke weed

  2002.10.10  01.42
beautiful arent they

which eye are you?

brought to you by Quizilla
i think eyes are a window into the soul
i kno that i might sound a lil retarted but i think you can tell a lot about a person by their eyes
what kind of life they have had
the shit they've seen
what they have been thru
plus its really cool when people have 2 different color eyes
like stacie
im kinda ripped now
ive been takin gravity hits all day
time for some gilligans island*

Mood: lazy
2 bong hits| smoke weed

  2002.10.05  18.20
im baaaack

its been a long time since ive written in here
i havent had the internet for the last couple months so i have been neglecting my live journal
i wonder if i have any friends on here anymore?
well...right now its raining and im sittin on my ass lookin for something to do tonite
im sure i will find something
i always do
these have really been a crazy couple of weeks
i havent really done much but chill work and party
still im happy
savannas in la now so i dont kno when i will be moving into her house or even if that will still happen
i hope so, i dont have to much patience left and i cant live with these diabolical beings anymore

well...i jus thought i would give fair warning
im back and just as fuckin crazy*

Mood: chipper
smoke weed

  2002.09.03  23.19

*i havent written in a wehile
my shits broken
and my truck is too
sinc eilast wrote my mom went out of toewn
some one broke into my house, my truvk broke
i learned to drive a sticvk anmd im sittin on marks lap
i hate mildred
someone stole my cd player
fuck you ass holes*

smoke weed

  2002.08.11  00.52
haha...im legal

*im 18 now
im legalmy birthday was a lot of fun
shannon, rubin, lucas, sam and nick and i went up and then mark, scott, tyson and kevin came up
we had so much alcohol between all of us

2 cases of beer, 4 bottles of boones, 2 5ths of vodka and a bottle of wine and some fufy shit
we got so fucked
i gave lap dances to everyone but nick
i had a good time
until i woke up and i was sopping wet
i guess mark and them collapsed my tent and moved it around
they also took the rainfly off when it started to pour
fuck you guys
im over at marcus' now and my computor dosent werk
richie and i arent really seeing each other anymore
he still calls me tellin me he misses me
thats funny
i was hangin out with this guy chris
the guy that spilled acid on steph at a party back in oct of 99
i had did some stuf i shouldnt have done
then we went to the fair on wednesday
he was kind of an asshole
i hate men
i dont kno wut to do about these boys
things are frustrating right now
i wish i had someone that i could rely on and talk to and trust but i dont find to many decent guys in tha v*town
im hoping to be moving to portland sometime soon
well i jus wanted to update things a lil
now back to the drinking
im waiting for andre and nick to show up
i wish they would get here cuz i love them both
i kissed andre
i fergot about that

Mood: drunk
1 bong hit| smoke weed

  2002.07.30  13.41

*so much has happened in the course of the last few days
wednesday i went to mikeys to party and hung out with vanna and tom and thomas and andre and scott and andre had this friend danny whos in a band called elementhes really hot
hawaiian, singer of a band, sexy, nipples pierced, and he was really nice to me
so vanna and i went to watch his band practice on thursday down in canby
we had a good time, drinkin with all the friends of theirs watchin not another teen movie
i lost my ring
i dont really want to go into detail about that nite but i dont think that i will talk to danny anytime soon
but fryday night sam and davina and this guy she met we all went to lotus gathering
it was in the middle of no where
i had a pretty good time
i didnt really dance cuz i didnt sleep the nite before but i still had fun
sam and i met these kids and they were all fucked up so we sat and smoked a bowl with them
i saw hyatts best friend jon their
we hung out, i helped him werk, we smoked bowls
hes a really nice guy
i feel really bad but im almost attracted to him
he has a girl and i would never try anything, but i wish i could
well sam ended up passing out in his van while i sat on a blanket and talked to people
i met this one kid named van that hitchiked all the way out to the party
he was a really cool kid
sam offered to take him to tha couve and he could catch reyhound from their
we all went back to dennys and van bought up food
dennys is unusually good at 5 in the morning
i slept on the bed in the van the whole way back and i didnt have a place to chill for a couple hours so i slept in the van for another 4 hours
anyways...it was a really fun night

mildred is perple now
if anyone sees me drivin around town...watch out!
the insides still beat to shit but at least its one color now
fuck im so tired
i went swimming yesterday
then all the mexican gangstas showed up so we left
vanna almost fuckin killed us on the drive back
it was kinda fun tho
we went to eat at misohapi on 23rd
pretty yummy
i think im goin to reheat some of it before werk
then we got some beer and went to andrreas neighbors hot tub
kyle and marcus and i smoked a blunt on the way over so we were ripped and then the beer got their and i think i had 5 of them
the hot tub felt kinda nice
it was a lil cool but it still felt good
then me and kyle and marcus went back and smoked another blunt in marks bafroom
i should get ready fer werk
i hate werk
someone feed me*

Mood: crappy
smoke weed

  2002.07.23  13.25

*i hate how one person can make me feel like im worthless
make me feel like shit
i do everything i can to make him happy
to make him want to stay with me and not run off to the next bitch that comes alone
i agree with him
i boost his ego
i tell him hes sexy
i flatter him and now that i stop to think about it
why the fuck am i doin that?
i was just to girl that you wanted to fuck becuase you were a virgin and you wanted to get it out of your system
so that you can go back to school and tell all yer friends that you fucked an older girl
arent you a fuckin playa
youre so special
i told myself that i wouldnt fall for you
that i wouldnt get attached
that i wouldnt have feelings for you
how am i suppossed to put restrictions on how i feel?
im not...but you could have made it just a lil bit easier for me
you didnt have to treat me like shit and make me feel like a werthless piece of food that was eaten and spit out
you will be begging me from now on
you hurt me
you make me feel like i dont matter
how could you?*

Mood: gloomy
1 bong hit| smoke weed

  2002.07.09  15.38
my god im so bored

I Am The Sex Toy:

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vibrations, and clitoris teaser.

My LCD screen keeps you informed,

but only with information I want

you to have! Mwua-ha-ha!

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My Favorite Female Part Is:

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And they never run out of energy,

if you know what I mean.

Find out your favorite female body part!

My Favorite Male Part Is:

The Pecs: Strength, power, and form.

Hey! His boobs are bigger then mine!

Find out your favorite male body part!

smoke weed

  2002.07.07  12.12
i have some crazy mad friends

*i probiably shouldnt have taken that last bong hit before werk yesterday...but i did
my trucks still broken down so richie had to take me and pick me up
i dont kno who that girl was that he was with when he picked me up but he sure treats me a lot better then her, i love that
we just hung out fer a while, went and ate with richies parents and then went to the river for a goo nite of drinkin
we got my sister and her friend high ferst, they were fucked up off one hit, it was hillarious
at one point i made my sister run as far as she could on one breath
her and her friend were fighting at joshs house
my god that is one wierd girl
when we finally got down to the river she drank part of a 40 and i made them go look got wood
i think that last nite was very interesting
i find out that vanna is now with thomas
that doesnt really bother me...their both my friends and i kno both of them very well and knowing them i dont think they will be together for to much longer


yea, so scott mike and thomas all went skinny dipping
i had three naked boys last nite
4 if you count richie
last nite was fun
to bad its raining
i think i will call sammy tonite and see if he wants to hang out*

Mood: blah
smoke weed

  2002.07.06  11.40

*hmmm...i had an eventful 4th
there was no parking and i had to walk hella far to get to shannons but it was all good
on the way their i saw ryan kuzma and we started talkin and some of his friends started talkin to me and i gave them some of my brownies cuz i didnt think that to many people at shannons would eat them
those guys all seemed to enjoy the brownies even tho i got one thrown at me as i was leaving
but one of the guys called me and appologized
i got to shannons and richie and i met up and i have to say...i am such a bitch
it really crax me up
there was two people their that i dont particuarly like but i didnt say anything mean to them
one i just ignored all nite and the other one didnt try to talk to me so i made no effort on my part
but we were gettin ready to watch the fort fireworks and all of a sudden this bush starts smoking
it ended up catching on fire and we all had to rush to put it out
it wasnt started by any of us luckily

i went to beaverton to see hyatt for his birthday yesterday and i felt like i spent more time talkin to his roomates then talkin to him
i cant really blame him
it was his birthday and all his friends were over
i wish i was somewhere near as important to him as they are
i ended up leaving early because i was bored and i knew that if i left i would have something to do up here
i went and picked up stacie and lucas at dustins again ignoring a stoopid fuckin snatch that was their
you should kno who you are
if not then you are the stupidst bitch alive
since kyle is moving he called me and asked me to come and see him
we all came over their and then went shoulder tappin
this one black guy was hittin on me the whole time
it was funny
but as i was driving away kyle reached his head in the window and started makin out with me
very very strange
it was funny

now i got stacie passed out in my bed and i got up an hour ago cuz she snores hella loud and i couldnt hear shit
i think i will call richie again

oOo...if anyone knows anything about cars please help me fix mildred*

Mood: awake
1 bong hit| smoke weed

  2002.06.29  21.58

*i hate it when people say they will do one thing and then dont
and im stuck here doing nothing
fuckin nothing
its saturday nite
i kno where theres a party
and im fuckin sitting at home
i think this is one of those days when i hate everyone and wish that the entire human race would shrivel up until we are back to paramesium
and im sick and coffin up a lung
fuckin shit

1 bong hit| smoke weed

  2002.06.26  02.58

*it really sux when you get caught having sex
its even werse when its by the cops*

Mood: annoyed
1 bong hit| smoke weed

  2002.06.25  12.04

Click Here To Find Out Which Symbol You Are

Are you PINK or EVIL?!

so crazy days
i went camping on saturday with sam and erick and all sams brothers friends and had an awsome time
i want to go again but no one else does
i went to jeffs going away party last nite...i never met him before but he was a really sweet guy, he thought i was really cute
i rubbed codys head...its a mohawk now, sexy
hes leaving tomorrow to go and fight wild fires
good thing he'll be back in 2 weeks
last nite was a lot of fun
i picked up chuck and we went over their
andrew and i took abaout 20 minutes tryin to get more beer
lets see, who was their...
vanna, kyle, amanda, cody mac, sam, titan, jen, alicia, larame, titan, chuck, bob, drew, jeff, cody, davey, michelle, richelle, john, nell, these other 2 people
all in all it was a good nite
watching titan run thru a bush, spit running thru his hair, rubbing heads, i didnt really drink but i had such an awesome time
i told kyle that we would hang out today and get really trashed
i hope he calls me
cody is spossed ta call me to..he leaves tomorrow
i hope i can still go camping tomorrow
i think i will go see hyatt fer a lil while today
i dont want to tell him that we cant go camping, maybe i can offer to spend all nite with him
he would love that

Mood: tired
3 bong hits| smoke weed

  2002.06.22  15.00
one thing that sux about being out of school is now i have to make my own chocolate milk

*gareth is a fucker!
anna, will lows, all you fuckin redneck ass bastards...FUCK YOU All!!!
cj just wanted to come over and talk things out
he didnt even kno wut hes being acused of
i wish i could werd this stronger but im not to good at that
i'll try tho
will...instead of trusting wut some drunk ass bitch says why dont you try talkin to cj instead of being a fuckin typical redneck that would rather fight someone whos differnt than talk to them...you wont always be bigger
gareth...take responsibility for loosing shit
you had the pipe last, you left it out, you basically lost it
fuckin own up to some shit and stop tryin to blame other people for you own actions
you talk about how you smoke so much weed
uh huh...its cuz yer such a pothead huh
get a job, pay for your own fuckin habbit, dont offer to drive if someone smokes you out
stop being an ass
the reason you dont get laid isnt because girls dont find you attractive its because you are such a fuckin asshole
the way you treated me just shows the lack of respect that you have been taught and i feel really sorry for your family for living with you and having to put up with your shit
i also feel sorry because if you dont change then you will be some fuckin retard with one nut living in your parents house begging them for money for gas on the car that they bought you just so you can drive around lookin for people to smoke you out

i hate you
im so glad i came to your house yesterday because now i can live the rest of my life and never have to see you again and i can know in my head that you are a worthless piece of flesh sent here only to torture the good hearted people of this god fuckin forsaken city
fuck you gareth
i hope i never see your nappy ass red head again
oOo, and tell your sister fuck you while your in her bed*

Mood: pissed off
smoke weed

  2002.06.19  14.52
if this is the ferst day of the rest of my life, then shit

*well high schools over
wasnt that a fun 15 years!
its so nice to be able to sit in my living room at 2*53 pm in my robe while eating ice cream and chocolate milk
i dont kno what i am going to do today
i think i will hang out with some of the boys
after last nite i dont kno how everyone is doin
troys party was pretty fun
i got drunk and smoked a blunt with ross, luke, sam, nate clark and some other kid
it was kinda funny
only nates 2nd time smokin
he did a good job tho
after that i took stacie and sierra back to their friends house where nick dicker and i talked about gettin fucked up while some guy was naked on the couch stickin his dick in a shot glass
hmmm...very interesting
now im freezing in my robe eating ice cream but my pants arent dry yet
who should i call?
i jus don kno anymore
i think i will call erick
i havent seen him in a couple days
i should probiably get dressed*

Mood: cheerful
smoke weed

  2002.06.16  13.05
the last of what i kno

*i havent written since last week
well i went to take hyatt on thursday and it turns out that this place wont be able to take him until tomorrow
so i will go and see him tonite after dinner with my family for fathers day and graduation
scary thought
i was so close to not graduating but i am happy that we have a nice principal
tomorrow i start the rest of my life
on my own
school is everything that i have known for the last 15 years
and now its over
thats a scary thought
what am i goin to do with myself?
i dont even kno anymore
that sounds like a good plan
thats wut ive been doin the last couple days
fryday richie and i hung out and went to a party with sam
it was kinda lame so we left and went down to the river
we met a really cool kid
he knew a bunch of my old friends from portland
good times
richie and i were so drunk we sat it his car and turned on the black light and just listened to music
i dont kno wut to do with that boy
why is it that when i meet a guy and like him someone else always comes along?
i dont want to ditch hyatt but i dont kno if i could be with someone that has made the choices that he has made
i care about him and he knows that but i dont kno if i can be with him
i dont kno wut to do anymore
im really confused
i wish i had stacie to talk to but she has been kinda MIA
shes been with dino a lot lately and it seems like i havent seen her in weeks
and i havent
i wish she would stop doin this shit and call me and see me
stacie...where the hell are you goin?
i could really use a friend right about now

Mood: lonely
1 bong hit| smoke weed

  2002.06.08  11.18

*hyatt and i have taken things to the next level
hes quitting and i couldnt be happier
i think im going to spend the night over their tonite but i dont kno if i will have my truck
if not then im stranded for the nite here in vancouver
stacie and dino are alseep in my bed
they walked from crosley lanes at 7 fuckin thirty when stacie called and woke me up
and then i got kicked off the fuckin couch
emily i dont give a fuck if the mexicans are after you
i was still tryin to sleep
but wut do i do now
its only 11*21 and i dont have to be at werk till 3
i dont honestly kno wut to do with myself
my mom took my truck
god i hope i see that thing again
body werk my ass
their just tryin to fuck me over again
i hope i have my truck
i want to see hyatt once before he gets sick
i want to have one passionate nite alone with him*

Mood: sleepy
smoke weed

  2002.06.06  22.12

*ive been spending a lot of time with hyatt the last couple days
im so happy to finally be with a guy that trerats me good and respects me and loves me for who i am
i havent had that in a guy fer a really long time
he has his flaws...one really big one but hes quitting that
i think tonite is his last time
i cried so hard after he told me about it
im just sad that someone that i care so much about is doing something so harsh and drastic
i kno that he wants to stop but its not that easy
i try to let him kno that im here behind him in whatever choices he makes
i love being with that boy
he makes me feel like i am the most im portant thing
im not...but i will be soon
im hoping to stay with him tomorrow nite or saturday nite
we have plans to cuddle up and watch all the godfather movies
good times
oOo yea


i love you babe
i havent got any lube yet but i will
and im spent*

Mood: high
smoke weed

  2002.06.02  01.41
back in the days

*its been so wierd being with hyat the last couple days
we used to be so close
i dont really know how to describe how things used to be between us
there was something i kno that
and now im with hm again
its very wierd but it also feels good
he brings me back to a me that i havent been in a long time
he makes me feel so good about myself
i missed that boy so much over the last 3 years

lucas has been an awsome friend lately
went to the beach last fryday and again on monday
monday me and stacie and lucas went and grubbed at pig n pancake
then we rented 3 person bicycle cart things and drove around seaside listenin to cky and beastie boys
we tried to go thru the drive thru but it was closed
so was the gas station
thursday we went to the rose festival, me and lucas
we couldnt go in at ferst cuz they started checkin back and we had a bottle of whiskey
we went and drank taht at big town hero and then went on rides
it was all good until lucas puked
it was a good day
i got home and talked to hyatt fer an hour and we hung out yesterday and today

i did something i shouldnt have last nite and i feel bad about it
i regret my actions but i dont wish to take them back
my sister is worryn me so much lately
shes reminding me so much of me
she had guys sneak over last nite and got a big ass hickey on her neck
she was drunk and didnt kno wut she was doin
i want her to be careful
i hope shes smarter than i was when i was her age
be careful emily*

Mood: thoughtful
smoke weed

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